Living The Mystery..

She knows only that she must go on, for he is not here, he is beyond ... nothing to be seen save the great expanse of cold, grey sea. No land in sight. She must not turn back, she cannot stand still, she must go on, must do what she cannot do for he is somewhere beyond, calling. She steps out to walk upon the waters, to go to him whom she cannot see. To do this is to be 'there' with him.

 Ruth Burrows. Guidelines For Mystical Prayer

Unflinching Resolve

As I was on my morning journey to do what it is I have to do today, I felt a certain heaviness of heart. I determined I would continue on in silence. No music, no distractions. As I grew nearer to my destination, I started to cry. The release was inconvenient but necessary. I have been fasting in recent days, so it’s probably helping me release some pent up emotion. 

I prayed. Suddenly, an image came to me of Jesus sitting at the right hand of God. I saw the eyes of Jesus tear up, and plead with God to take the burden I carry away. God, stared straight ahead and did not flinch in His response. With the quickness of a flash of lightning it was simply, “No, she must see this through.” It wasn’t His response alone that struck me. It was what I perceived in His eyes. There was a vast, black depth beyond description. Out of this depth came sounds of laughter, sobs of agony, gentleness, precipitous cliffs of bitterness,  incinerating stares of examination, compassion, and love. And, in the midst of all of this He seemed to release a slight, not fully formed smile. God smirked in that proud, knowing way a parent might observe a child unaware; struggling with great difficulty to achieve something necessary and important.  

Later in the day, I happened to have a woman in the beginning stages of labor seated next to me.  I asked her if she needed anything. She simply replied with some disgust, “I just have to go through it!”. I was moved by her determination and resolve. I know this woman to be particularly strong, and I caught myself doing the knowing slight smile. I was proud of her momentary display of resoluteness. I was reminded once again, that God sometimes insists we go through. It seems He must know that we will give birth to something far greater if we push further into the unknown.

I don’t doubt for a second, that Jesus pleading with God on behalf of His beloved does not carry powerful weight. I sensed no dis-unity in their communication. Their intimacy is beyond description, spiraling in constant perfection. God, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  

" Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man."  Fyodor Dostoevsky

Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man. Fyodor Dostoevsky
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/f/fyodordost161081.html

Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man. Fyodor Dostoevsky
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/f/fyodordost161081.html

Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man. Fyodor Dostoevsky
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/f/fyodordost161081.html

The Spirit of Wisdom and Understanding

I mentioned in my last post that I would share more of my story regarding my return to the Catholic Church.

I was raised Catholic. After being a member of a couple of small non-denominational churches, I believe that Jesus called me back to the Catholic Church. There is a beautiful little story here that I haven’t told very much. Perhaps it’s time to tell it again.

As I was starting to distance myself from a certain church group years ago, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, or where I would go. I had seen and experienced so much in this type of group in a short amount of time, that I really needed to take time and process what this was all about. My roommate at the time was attending the same church and having her own questions as well. One Sunday evening we happened to be home at the same time. We had just gotten a call from the pastor’s wife. She confronted us by questioning us each individually about what our commitment was to this church. I suppose we were a little too independent for this group, and it was starting to show. After the phone call ended, I remember a nudge came to my heart that I should get a bible and sit with my roommate and read the 23rd psalm. We did this, and it was a great comfort at the time.

Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.

In green pastures you let me graze, to safe waters you lead me; you restore my strength.

You guide me along the right path for the sake of your name.

Even when I walk through a dark valley,

I fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage.

You set a table before me as my enemies watch;

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Only goodness and love will pursue me all the days of my life;

I will dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come.

I felt after the reading that Jesus wanted us to know He was indeed with us, and that His leading always comes through peace. I felt that the confrontation we received was not from Him. I also felt He was showing us we would each be directed individually about what we should do next.
A week later I had a dream. I know I mention my dreams quite a bit in my postings, but it does seem to be a way I am personally given direction at times.

My dream:

I was at a picnic with all of the members of the two non-denominational churches I had been a member of. We were under a shed where a long picnic table seated all who were present. A woman sitting at the head of the table called me over to her and handed me a note on a white piece of paper. She said there was a “prophetic” message for me in the note. I opened it and the note read, “Go back to the Catholic Church. Don’t be afraid.” I then looked up at the sky which was very blue, and I saw an image of God sitting on a throne, and then He suddenly changed into the likeness of the Pope, and then back again. After this, the dream ended.

How can it be any clearer than that? I was shocked in a way, as I was troubled at the image of God suddenly morphing into the likeness of the Pope. To many people this would be considered even sacrilegious. This was a big step for me, and I needed some time to ponder the image. Even though I was raised Catholic, I never understood exactly what the image seemed to convey to me.

I also had a couple of friends at the time who were making a similar journey. One had been raised Baptist, the other had been raised Catholic. Both were feeling a call to the Church in much the same the same way that I was. The three of us decided to attend Mass together one particular Sunday. We were late so we had to stand in the back of the church. I remember behind us was a huge, new, stained glass window that had just been erected in place. The priest was actually speaking about it in his sermon. He told the story of the woman who designed it, and how she received the inspiration to do so. The image on the window was of a beautiful white dove in flight. During the consecration of the host, I remember looking up behind me at this window, and suddenly what seemed like a gentle breeze flowed through the entire church. This happened as the priest lifted the communion host. My friends and I knew something extraordinary was happening. I also noticed people sitting in the pews bending forward a little and looking around as the wind blew through. Some seemed to understand exactly what was happening, and there was great joy in the room.

At the time and in my amazement, I took this as another sign that I should return to the Church.

Not long after this, this same parish was having a weekend retreat. I decided to go. In listening to the speakers I began to realize what a rich place the Catholic Church is, and that I was starting to feel at home again. The talks all seemed to be directed right at me! At one point when a certain priest was giving a talk, I remember looking up at a window. It had been raining that day. I’m not one to look for these sorts of things, and have never seen anything like it since. There was what looked very much like a butterfly formed by the raindrops on the window. I stared at it for a bit and nudged my friend who was sitting next to me. He noticed it right away and we just smiled at each other. I felt in my heart it was a time for new beginnings.

So, my roommate and I were getting settled into taking the direction we each thought was best for us. One Saturday, the pastor’s wife who called us that evening not long ago, decided to stop in for an unannounced visit. We graciously invited her in and asked her to sit down for a chat. See, we both liked her very much. She had a good heart, and she was sincere in her search and love of God. She told us she couldn’t stay long, but that she had to drop in because as she happened to be passing our house (which wasn’t very often or likely), she noticed in broad daylight a huge owl sitting on our roof. She said she had never seen anything like it. She looked at my roommate and I in amazement as if to say, “I understand now, the Lord is in this place and I should not interfere.” There was a sense of the Lord's majesty in the situation. She was the type of person to be quite sensitive to this sort of thing. She later called that evening and apologized for making incorrect assumptions about each of our personal choices.

I just so happen to love owls. I love the intensity of their eyes and everything they symbolize. In this case I took a symbolic meaning from the owl showing up on our roof that day. What stood out to me was the Lord was present with us in His Wisdom. Owls can also symbolize mystery and an ability to see things that are hidden. I also read once that owls can symbolize our search for “total truth”.

Dreaming about Generational Lines; Truth & Sacrifice

A few days ago, I had a dream that startled me a bit. I suppose at this point it really shouldn’t have.

In this dream I was in a hotel room in a particular country (which this as well symbolized where I should be living or rather, the “spirit” of what I should be doing), and there was a lot of chaos going on. Initially, it was just my own simple room, but very quickly turned into a suite where men from past generations of my patriarchal line were present. They were all rushing about, very busy, getting ready for a wedding.

In addition to this, it seemed someone or something besides these deceased relatives wanted my attention. I just couldn’t get away from it all. Even some co-workers were present demanding my focus. I was trying to get ready for something myself, but couldn’t seem to find the time to prepare with all the obstacles present. My cell phone was ringing, and I received text messages reading “urgent message” more than once.

While all the commotion was going on, I suddenly looked across the room and a bunch of white goats wrapped in red ribbons came running in the main room of the suite. I knew they had all been prepared to be part of wedding photos. They started to urinate all over the carpet. I thought to myself, “How am I going to clean this entire mess up?” “I can’t stay here; I’ll have to find another place.” I was overwhelmed at how much damage was done in such a short amount of time.

I found the following on a Christian dream symbol website:

The Goat as a Christian Symbol represents oppressors, wicked men and demonic forces. The goat also symbolizes unrepentant sinners who will be separated from God on judgment day which is associated with the following Bible verse:

Matt. 25:31 "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

I believe the goats to be symbolic according to the statement above (although I am not so simple minded as to immediately go there); as this quite simply is not the first time my generational line has been brought to my attention.

There is also often a sense that I have been seriously “hindered”, if you will, by forces beyond my control (in a certain sense, as it is understood Jesus gave us authority over such things), as the above statement notes as well.

So to put it bluntly, the goats have barged in and pissed all over my sanctuary. Or, THE sanctuary of the one true living God. It is this place I have strived to maintain, not perfectly of course, but it is everything to me.

Distractions. Chaos. Disobedience. I actually think I can sense the incredible stubbornness or wall that was built up in opposition to God in my generational lines. There is a tangible sense of a fierce self well and determination against the knowledge of God present.

After I surrendered my heart to Christ, I felt and began to understand as time went on the weighty decision I made. It was as if I was coming against a great darkness that of course would have in no way been possible without the sacrifice of Jesus.

I have been told on two separate occasions:

“You have been indented on the line”. (This came to me from an older women who didn’t know me, but was deeply spiritual. I believe it was a prophetic statement. )

“I have put generations of men under your feet”. (This came to me in my heart as I was cleaning one day.)

It has indeed been overwhelming at times. As noted above, I feel the weight in the spiritual realm of my particular circumstance every day. It has cost me dearly in one sense, as these sorts of things come at a very high price. Living through my current immediate family situation has brought much heartache into my life. There have been intense feelings of loneliness and isolation at times.

My sister has done some research regarding the patriarchal line of our family. A little over a year ago she traveled to visit a distant relative, and was able to see an old family homestead in another state. I assumed she asked a frank question about what sort of men were these…really. What I had been sensing all along was confirmed through this relative. Interesting.

So why has the message been brought to me again? Perhaps I have recently allowed too much distraction to get in the way of the call of Jesus. Perhaps it was meant to be a sobering reminder.

It’s not easy by any means, but I am always so touched at the Lord’s faithfulness. He continually brings us to a place where we are invited to acknowledge all the truth he wishes to reveal, if we are willing to listen. It is the truth that sets us free indeed.

God’s verdict is true and just; there is no shifting or double mindedness where He is concerned. Over the years, the message has been the same. The question is now what will I, or what will we (God and I) choose to do about it?

"Is My love enough for you?"

I think I'm finally getting it. Sometimes the most simple truths take forever to sink in for the precise reason that they are.....simple, not complicated.

I thought I had settled this issue years ago, but over time I keep revisiting it. It can be a big one for any person who desires to follow Jesus as closely as possible.

A few years ago I was living with my best friend for a couple of months during a transition. I had just left a very uncomfortable situation living with an alcoholic roommate, and I as well left a corporate job that was suffocating me. There was a lot of change going on at once. I actually felt I was being directed quite strongly by God to leave this position, so I finally jumped ship. The conviction was that strong. Although I believe God gives us a lot of freedom to make our own choices and that He doesn't micromanage everything we do, this was something He seemed to be putting his finger on quite strongly. I had to follow through.

I actually didn't work for about a month, so I spent this time pondering the future and where I was going. As I also waited for an apartment to open up in the same building as my friend, I had some free time to think about a lot of things. I sat down one afternoon and wrote a journal entry.

Generations come and go.
A man lives his days as if he has an eternity of them in one lifetime.
What if a man gains the whole world but loses his own soul?
The pressure consumes me to be this or do that.

But what of it?
Is not who I am now enough?

"Now as they went on their way, he entered a village; and a women named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving; and then went to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; one thing is needful. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:38)

Many get trapped into striving for in this lifetime what can easily be taken away, in a moment. There is only one Person that can never be taken from us in this life or the next.

As Paul so eloquently stated:

"For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus or Lord." (Romans: 8: 38)

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit

This morning I was thinking heavily about something about something I really wanted to do, and feel called to do. With it came a sense of feeling overwhelmed at the prospect. The call is always there, but how to do it? This has always been the question. A gentle voice from my heart spoke: "Receive those who are poor in spirit". I smiled,  for the simple words say so much.

Devotion to the Sacred Heart

Since I was a child, I remember feeling connected to Jesus in some way. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know Him or love Him, although in my young adult years I got a bit side-tracked. In the Lord’s mercy, this period didn’t last too long.

I remember a book my grandmother gave to me when I was a child, about the lives of the saints. The story of St. Veronica always moved me. I imagined what it would have been like to wipe the face of Jesus and offer him a drink as he carried his cross. The simplicity of the act was so beautiful to me. When it came time for me to be confirmed, I chose Veronica as my confirmation name.

My other grandmother tells a story that when I was around 3 years of age, we were doing some last minute shopping as the grocery store was closing on Christmas Eve. They kept announcing throughout the store that they were getting ready to close. In my childlike thinking, I was afraid we would be locked in. My grandmother was trying to hurry. She tells me I suddenly announced, “Jesus will help us!” She says it stopped her in her tracks.

So, it makes sense that I would want to honor the Lord with a special devotion to his Sacred Heart. From my heart to his, words cannot describe how much I love him. This blog Is now officially dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

True Fulfillment

I was feeling fine this morning when I awoke. As the afternoon wore on, I sat down for a moment of contemplation and looked out the window. Suddenly, tears started to flow as the result of a certain sorrow I was feeling. I started to pray. Words came to me quite suddenly, and I felt they were important enough to write down for others who might be feeling the same. Of course, it is important to keep the below message in proper context. Many enter a life of "nothingness" out of laziness, or for other reasons they have within their means to control.

It's not like I wasn't previously aware of the message in the words that came to me, I was. There is a certain awareness of the timelessness within which a child of God lives, because we are citizens of heaven. However, making certain life decisions has not always been easy for me. And, God knows I wish I would have had more, at least, emotional support along the way.

You have not wasted your life. Better to experience “nothingness” with me, than experience a life of so called great accomplishment apart from me. You are not naked and ashamed before me. Many who believe they have had fulfilling lives will stand before Me naked and ashamed on that day, even among my own people. Do not be deceived! They will discover their focus on being fulfilled in this life, has been based on a lie. For, they sought happiness in those things that truly do not fulfill the human spirit, and were apart from the will of God. There is no true fulfillment apart from Me.

 The trend now among people in making so many important life decisions is living in the moment and obtaining immediate gratification. Important decisions made lightly and swiftly often end in situations where there is despair and loss, whether it’s six months or forty years after the choice has been made. The time they were so desperate to not slip by, has now truly been wasted.

Happiness is often fleeting, but joy of the spirit is possible even in the direst circumstances.

However, you will have sorrow and experience trouble in this life. The circumstances of each one are different. This is why you must hold one another up and pray without ceasing for your brothers and sisters. Do my children not see the burden of one is the burden of all?

If your current circumstances bring sorrow to your heart remember, it is better to sorrow with me and in me, than find a fleeting happiness apart from me.

"Worship Me"....

A recent evening I was spending time alone in prayer before going to sleep. I felt a unique (for lack of a better word) sense of God’s presence that I haven’t in a while, or perhaps never before in some aspect.

It was a sense of “knowing” God separate from our human understanding and perception. In an instant I was reminded that He is not like us. This is the reason we worship Him. It is so easy with all that is available to us in the physical realm of our faith, to fall into a place where God perhaps becomes too "familiar", and we begin to think that He is in some way like us.

We are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image, and Jesus came to us as a man….God with us for a time on earth, as He is with us now seated at the right hand of God. Although Jesus humbly submitted to God in His incarnation and experienced many of the things we do, He was always above it and never completely like us. Many things He said testified to this.

It may seem to some that I am simply stating the obvious, as to many the true meaning of worship means different things.

I am referring to that place we may go in our hearts where we abandon ourselves into His presence, and let go of anything that has to with our own perception and humanity. In doing this, we acknowledge His majesty as we fall upon that Force that shatters us into a million pieces and transforms us. 

As I began to pray that evening,…a holy presence seemed to enter the space around me and within me. And these words with such love and passion behind them came to me…....”Worship Me”. My words instantly fell away from my heart and mind and I remembered that God seeks, desires, and loves our worship. This is what we were ultimately created for…and no man can truly be at peace unless His heart is given to worship the living God.

What’s interesting is that His presence in this manner has not left me for two days now. I can be busy at work or quiet at home and it is the same. We need to have moments and times when we can get away to quiet place, but I’m realizing that a heart focused on adoring God can do it all times….in any circumstance. It’s an attitude of the heart, but it is also a gift and a privilege.

Even as people of faith, we can get caught up in searching for happiness and significance in so many ways and things outside of God’s presence. When, what we need is only one thing….and that is a heart that truly desires to know Him and love Him for who He really is. It is through this, that everything else falls into place. With an attitude of worship prevalent in our hearts we are more likely to remain vigilant, focused, humble, joyful, and able to put everything that concerns us in its proper place. And that place is at His feet and under His majesty. An attitude of worship keeps us in communion with Him. Even when we are in fear and uncertainty, we should worship Him as He is God and above all.

God is separate…He is …other…not like us. And yet, He draws us ever closer in intimacy and love when our hearts are moved to worship Him in spirit and truth. This is a great mystery I think…...it leaves me in awe.

Sympathy for Satan

I had planned on writing about something else as I stated in my last post, but that can wait for now. I wanted to share a significant recent event.

I think as a Christian, it can be a tough call at times how we handle the situations we encounter with others. I often think of the wisdom of Jesus when He said that we should be shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves. Sometimes I’m good at the innocent part, but this also tends to get me into some trouble in the area of remaining shrewd and vigilant. When the shrewd part of me comes out, I worry I haven’t been compassionate enough, turned the other cheek, or prayed for my enemies as God would have me do. I have concern that perhaps I’m being judgmental, because only God can judge righteously. Only God can see the depths of another person’s heart.

There is one particular time I remember a few years ago, when someone did something to me that was quite cruel actually. It was a colleague that I worked with at the time. I of course was angry and thinking that surely this was some sort of low-life of an individual. I remember arriving home later that evening, as the Holy Spirit immediately prompted me to forgive, and to get on my knees and pray for this person. I remember so distinctly the words “You must forgive. You don’t know the burdens he carries.” And so I did. I did know some of his circumstances, and so I could understand this most certainly. However, God certainly saw and understood the whole of a situation I could never see the way He did.

I remember a letting go in my heart of the offense, and I actually sent an email eventually as a peace offering. I think this person was astounded to be quite honest. We haven’t spoken since, but the matter was left in peace and I truly wished him well and freed from his burdens.

I encountered a situation recently with a person who I believe was not being honest with me. I even believe I was perhaps warned about my involvement with this person, but didn't want to read too much into the experience at first. This has turned out to be quite a different experience than the one mentioned above. A few days after a confrontation that did not go well, I was feeling rather put off by it all, and just sad. I was already missing this person, and compassion arose in my heart toward them. Immediately the phrase, “Sympathy for the devil” became prominent within my heart and mind. And then: “You must stop having sympathy for Satan.” Whoa…I wasn’t expecting this. It certainly stopped me in my tracks.

Throughout the day, whenever I would think of this person and begin to feel badly, those words would come to me over and over again. As I was driving home from work…it happened again.

So, evidently, I’m not supposed to have any sympathy toward this person's actions. I’ll leave the reasons why to God. There are those situations that we must leave with God alone. I remember reading a blog post of a follower of this blog, in which the writer stated she felt she was told not to pray for a particular person. God has His reasons.

I don’t think this type of experience is for those people of faith who are more simple minded, and only feel comfortable with one type or kind of image of Jesus. I’ve seen this so much within Christianity over the years, in that, many are serving only an image of Jesus that brings them certain comfort or fits with their own ideals of who they want Him to be. In my experience, if you really want to know Him for who He really is, you have to check this at the door. For those who are willing to walk with Him, He is utterly amazing…and can never be put in a box.

Jesus is as shrewd as He is humble and merciful. We shouldn’t expect or demand one without the other to suit ourselves.

And again...he who has ears, listen to what the Spirit is saying.

I wasn’t expecting this in the least, but I had another dream I would like to share in reference to my previous post. I haven’t even been thinking about this topic very much recently, so I was a little surprised when I had it.

In my dream I was attending a huge outdoor gathering of thousands of Catholics. We were all seated and waiting with great expectation. The Pope was going to speak, and everyone desperately wanted to hear what he had to say. There was a sense that the outcome of this event was of great importance, and the people needed to hear something from him that would put them at ease.

Suddenly he sat in his seat, and it seemed very much like the “throne” of a king to me. His position was very high up above the people. And, he spoke about two sentences and that was it. I do not know what he said, but I remember it was of little substance and seemed to be a formality only. After speaking these two sentences, it was over. Just like that. People began to rise up out of their seats (some staggering in disbelief), and look at each other as if suddenly they had lost their foundation in life. For many, the weight was too heavy to bear. Suddenly where there was once unity, hope, and expectation, there was now confusion. People began to disperse and go in different directions. It was as if a bond was broken, a sacred bond.

The image that breaks my heart and sticks in my mind the most is that of an elderly gentlemen who was seated to the right of me and getting up out of his seat. I looked over at him…and he looked me right in the eyes. There was such pain and hurt in his eyes as he staggered out of his seat. I felt much compassion, and I hurt deeply for him. He was looking for answers, for help with a pleading in his eyes. It was as if he lost everything he believed in, in one short moment. It was gone, all over for him.

Now, I do not have an agenda or mission whatsoever to speak ill of the Catholic Church. But again, I thought it important to share what I have just written. I’ve seen a lot of different things recently, like Catholics announcing they are “proud” to be Catholic.  I find it all rather childish. I’ve also heard that many want to support the pope, or,  are asking for his resignation. I mean for goodness sake, just who and what needs defending here? Truth is truth. Let him who has ears, hear what the Spirit is saying.

Beware the leaven of the Pharisees....

I had a dream a couple of months ago where I was shown three distinct scenes that I believe were revealing to me things to come. Just to clarify, I don’t believe all dreams we have are necessarily messages given to us by God. I have many dreams that seem simply an array of images my subconscious has brought up while asleep.

However since my conversion experience, I began to have dreams that definitely seemed as if they were personal messages of direction, insight, warning, or encouragement. As I began to understand that God does indeed speak to us through dreams after speaking with others, and also in reading the scriptures, I began to take heed and “listen” more closely. And too, some were just so profound I could not have denied them. Some of these I have never even written down as it seems they were permanently etched in my heart and mind.

I have shared a few dreams in previous posts. In light of what I’m about to share, I would like to mention that I had a couple of dreams in which I believe I was strongly led back to the Catholic Church. Again, these I wrote about in previous posts.

Of the three distinct scenes I mentioned above, I would like to share one with you: I was alone, and kneeling in a chapel that was attached and adjacent to a huge cathedral. I could see and hear there was a Mass going on in the Cathedral with many in attendance, and the whole congregation was standing and singing a well known hymn. Everyone seemed very happy and joyful, as if they didn't have a care in the world. I was shown one person that I know personally who was also singing during this Mass. This person happens to adhere to and defend Church doctrine quite strongly (not necessarily a bad thing and quite noble with good intentions and a heart of love for God). I felt separate and in no way part of the congregation as I knelt alone on a white piece of carpet, right next to a pew in a small chapel that was beside this cathedral. I very much felt like an outcast for some reason. I was praying, asking for forgiveness for something quite serious, and weeping. All of a sudden, I looked up and a little boy stood right in front of me, motionless, as he stared straight ahead. The altar seemed huge and overbearing behind him. He said nothing, and he was wearing a white t-shirt that had “TRUTH” written on it in large black letters.

I believe with what the Church is now facing, the image speaks for itself quite powerfully. He who has ears, let him hear.

Immediately after having this dream I wondered perhaps if I was being shown something personal I needed to ask forgiveness for, in reference to my own faith and the Church. The image was simple and profound, but I was puzzled by it.

Now, just a couple of days ago the dream was brought back to my remembrance with the meaning given, as I was contemplating things that disturbed me in my heart regarding the Church. Another part of the dream that I did not share in this post has come to pass as well in a way that I could not have perceived at the time. As I was pondering recent events, it suddenly all made sense. The light was turned on and I could see the bigger picture.

I trusted God with all my heart when I believed I was led back to the Catholic Church. But, I went back well knowing I would never be a “religious” Catholic. I was never good at being “religious” in any circle for the sake of appearing devout. When I went through a time of intense searching in my early twenties I was looking for real answers, I was looking for Truth. I was shown the reality of the risen Jesus in a most profound way, and my heart could never deny it no matter what was going on around me. So yes, I followed the leading of the Holy Spirit but it has never been easy in this regard. God obviously knew this already, which is why I was told “do not be afraid”. I have always had a sort of disillusionment with the Church. I have for the most part accepted it thinking that following God had to be good enough without insisting I have all the answers.

Regarding the recent abuse reports in the news, in the past I in part blamed the media for an assumed over embellishment. I reasoned that such things happened in many other settings as well. I reasoned the Church was still a refuge to me in the midst of the type of "show business" American Protestant (charismatic or otherwise) Christianity that I had been involved in for a time. I reasoned the Church did many good and wonderful things as well. But, this is not an excuse to defend or hide the reality of the situation we as Catholics must face. It honestly seems the Church was and still is quite a hiding place for a lot of sick men. Beware, God is not mocked. Those who are willing must be a light shining in the darkness.

It is a noble thing to be a strong force of truth, beauty, and light in the world. But when that truth is in word and doctrine only, where no heartfelt action exists, it is worth absolutely nothing. When doctrine is proclaimed at the expense of innocent human beings, it is worth absolutely nothing. When tradition is upheld at the expense of true humility and human compassion, it is worth absolutely nothing. It must stink like rotting garbage in God’s nostrils.

“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matthew 18:6)

“Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.” (Luke 12:1-4)

“Beware of the scribes, who like to go about in long robes, and to have salutations in the market places and the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, who devour widows’ houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation” (Mark 12:38-40)

And he said to them: "You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! (Mark 7: 9-10)

Going Underground

Recently when I was contemplating one morning, I felt that all too familiar, but arresting Voice say to me: " You are going underground". It was explained to me that, there is a place with God among His people that I have yet to experience. I sensed this place is not to be found among the typical Christian circles that I have been accustomed to. I had a dream which seemed to verify this a few days later.

For the record, I haven't really moved in Christian circles for quite some time. My heart just hasn't been in it. If you knew me and my history you would understand, I think.

It makes sense that it would come to this in that, I'm at a stage in my walk where I can barely stomach so much that I see around me in the name of Christianity, even among Catholics. Well sometimes, especially Catholics.

This theme is really nothing new to me, it can be seen in a few of my past posts. For some reason it's becoming more pronounced though in my heart.

I see a lot of denial and childish play more than I see truth and honesty in following Jesus. I become so angry when I witness people playing with the Holy Spirit as if He is some puppet to be manipulated, or they simply deny Him altogether. He certainly does not need me to defend Him in the least, as He is all power and glory. The First and the Last. So many seem to want to play Christianity more than they really want to know God.

I have noticed in the last few months my tolerance for b.s. is becoming increasingly limited. It never was that strong to begin with. In the past I may have lingered for a time in the name of compassion, but now I just walk away, and I do it quickly. I have learned that in certain instances my compassion was misguided. I no longer try to explain myself, or try too hard to be understood. I just move on. I'm starting to become much less concerned with what people think, in the right sense. I don't mean in the sense that I won't listen and take in what another well meaning and sincere person has to say to me.

I'm not angry in the wrong sense either. I believe I feel a righteous anger, as far as I can tell. I'm not unhappy in a sense of feeling hopeless. I am most definitely hopeful....and I believe I have gone through everything I have for such a time as this. It's all coming together. I have to go where my heart is led.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." I feel like shouting from a mountain to all of Christendom, "Learn what this means!". But, I have learned over the years that purity of heart is something you either have....or you don't. It's not something that can be learned. It is the gift of God.

I'm going to conclude by posting something written by A.W. Tozer. He was not Catholic, but he was and still is truly a voice in the desert. I love his book, "The knowledge of the Holy".

I read the following for the first time today....and all I can say is that I can relate so much. It was a comfort to me to find it. This man has articulated very well what I honestly feel on a daily basis.


THE LONELINESS OF THE CHRISTIAN
by A.W. Tozer
The loneliness of the Christian results from his walk with God in an ungodly world, a walk that must often take him away from the fellowship of good Christians as well as from that of the unregenerate world. His God-given instincts cry out for companionship with others of his kind, others who can understand his longings, his aspirations, his absorption in the love of Christ; and because within his circle of friends there are so few who share his inner experiences he is forced to walk alone. The unsatisfied longings of the prophets for human understanding caused them to cry out in their complaint, and even our Lord Himself suffered in the same way.

The man who has passed on into the divine Presence in actual inner experience will not find many who understand him. He finds few who care to talk about that which is the supreme object of his interest, so he is often silent and preoccupied in the midst of noisy religious shoptalk. For this he earns the reputation of being dull and over-serious, so he is avoided and the gulf between him and society widens. He searches for friends upon whose garments he can detect the smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia out of the ivory palaces, and finding few or none he, like Mary of old, keeps these things in his heart.

It is this very loneliness that throws him back upon God. His inability to find human companionship drives him to seek in God what he can find nowhere else.


"Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" (Matthew 4: 1-4)

Seeing With the Eyes and Heart of Jesus

I would like to share something that is very dear to my heart.

Ever since I had my conversion experience in which the Holy Spirit "moved in" if you will, I have noticed over the years that there have been some changes in my perception of things. When Jesus comes to us to reside within our inner most being, I believe we at times see with His eyes and feel what He feels regarding the world around us.

It’s as if a whole new world is opened up to us beyond what we normally were able to comprehend in the past. Seeing with the eyes of the Spirit is just that, the converted soul is able to see beyond the here and now. It is able to see eternal things.

I think a big thing for me is that I can at times see other people how Jesus sees them…and it’s an amazing thing. Mostly I have kept this to myself, and it has become such a normal part of my every day experience. Also, it comes with a deep burden or even pain at times, as my eyes are opened to who certain people are meant to be or become. Yet, they may be in darkness in their heart and mind for a variety of reasons. If only they could know how Jesus sees them…and who He created them to be.

I think this particularly hits home with me, as in looking back I see how Jesus took me from such darkness and set me free. I allowed Him to show me things I never would have imagined in a million years. I was in a prayer meeting one night years ago…and this precise prophetic word was given to me: “I will show you things that you can’t even imagine.” And my dear friends, He has…..He certainly has remained faithful to His promise. And many times this concerns His love for other people. The Lord's heart is so beautiful...and filled with such depth. This He can impart to us if we let Him.

A particular instance comes to mind. Not long ago I went out with my sisters for a night on the town. As we were leaving a dance club, I was sort of walking behind them and enjoying their laughter and back and forth banter. When the three of us get together we are quite funny actually. I noticed how we looked so “east coast” wearing our long black coats and black boots. As we left the club, there was a young man putting trash in a bin from another night spot across the alley. My sisters immediately went over to him and said hello…and then good night to him. They didn’t think anything of it, but I could tell by the look on the man’s face it seemed to really make his night that someone would go out of their way to say hello to him. I saw a warm smile appear on his face as he lifted his head with a look of surprise. I immediately felt the Lord’s pleasure in this. Not anyone else coming out of the club even noticed he was there.

We all walked on for a bit soon passing a parking garage on the way to look for a cab. Again, there was a young man tending to customers and their cars, but he wasn’t busy at the moment. My sisters walked into the garage from the sidewalk, and began to include him in an ongoing conversation about professional boxing that had started a block away. You could tell this was something this young man was very familiar with by his welcoming of the conversation! You could tell by the look on his face that this was putting some gladness into his night. He was smiling from ear to ear. I was still standing on the sidewalk taking this in, when I immediately felt the Lord’s pleasure again….and it was almost if I could feel Him looking through my eyes. His presence just suddenly seemed stronger. There were many groups of people walking all around us as the clubs were closing, and no one else came in to speak to this man.

As we all continued to walk toward finding a cab, I pondered how the Lord took pleasure in what He just saw. I felt His love for my sisters….and His compassion toward people in general…and the pleasure He feels when we show the smallest act of kindness toward others….especially strangers.

What I love too is that even though there was the occasional socially acceptable profanity spoken, cigarette smoke wafting, and a slight buzz going, Jesus certainly wasn’t too concerned about it…nor did He seem to hear it. What He loved was the kindness shown to a stranger, and the fellowship of laughter and friendly banter. And this has been my experience with Jesus when it comes to other people, that He is often not too offended by the things many of those who claim to follow Him are. I’m not advocating those things that some might find offensive….I’m just sayin’.

I see true greatness in many people…and I feel such a depth of emotion that they can’t see it or grasp how God loves them….and KNOWS them. I cannot even really find adequate words for what I feel. He wants them to know Him in the same way. My sisters have probably forgotten that night, and to them it wasn’t a big deal. However I know the the One was greatly pleased. I wonder about all the times we have forgotten where we may have done something that pleased Jesus.

What I have written about is only one example of many. We are truly His hands, His feet, and His heart on earth. Whatever you do the least of these, you do it for Him.

The Secret Place of the Most High

I love the fact that God has a secret place. It means to me there must be something about Him that is mysterious and hidden, and not out in the open for all to see. Well, it is written that no man can see Him and live.

You could say that God is not necessarily an open book. He is not the “show business” type of god that so many make Him out to be. Despite the magnificence of creation all around us; God still chooses to remain a mystery, silent on many things we wish He would speak about, and all together entirely “other” than ourselves. Indeed He calls all men to Himself, but few are actually chosen. See, there is some mystery in this I think. And, just think for a moment how many centuries passed before Jesus was actually born, even though the promise of a coming messiah was well known. Might have part of the reason been that God was properly cautious, and didn’t reveal His heart before He was ready? Of course I’m speculating, but I wonder.

For those of us that believe in God and abide in His presence, we are hiding in this secret place. We are under the protection of the Almighty and His shadow covers us. This place is not seen by everyone, but we know as His beloved, that it exists. It is a place of refuge, a true light in the darkness. When the world around us becomes bitter to our soul and draining to our spirit, we can retreat into His presence where we may have the sweetest communion.

As I’m writing this post a memory keeps coming to my mind. I haven’t thought of this for quite some time. Perhaps there is a purpose at this time in recalling it. For me, and for any who could benefit from reading this.

When I was only fifteen or sixteen years old, I started having personal encounters or experiences where I believed and understood that the Holy Spirit was drawing me in closer, although I wouldn’t have referred to it as such at the time. At this time I also wore a charm bracelet that my aunt had started for me when I was around eight years of age.

One day, I walked down to a local Catholic shop to look at some charms to add to my bracelet, and I noticed a blue/sterling silver charm which had a dove engraved on it. I knew I had to have this charm, as it properly commemorated what was happening in my heart. I didn’t have the money for it right away so I saved my allowance until I could purchase it. I would go into the store from time to time to make sure it was still there. When I finally had the money, I remember running to the store as fast as I could. I honestly remember feeling that I couldn’t get there fast enough. No one else knew about this charm or the purchase. I wore this bracelet for many years, eventually taking all charms off except the engraved dove. I think I even had it blessed. The charm was a constant reminder to me that I had a place of refuge far from all that could ever harm or destroy. It was a reminder to me that there was One who loved me and was calling me to Himself.

Whenever I looked at this charm, I was brought back to the time when I can honestly say I first felt the Holy Spirit’s presence. I was sitting in my room in my childhood home studying, but feeling quite sad and alone at that moment. I remember looking up and out of my bedroom window, at the precise moment a very gentle, light, and refreshing breeze came into my room. The window was not even open. It happened in an instant. My first thought was not that this was Jesus or God….but that this was most surely the Holy Spirit. And, as a Catholic I already understood that all three were One. I felt a love in my heart beyond words and I silently started to cry. I just remember letting the tears flow as I began to relax in the Presence. This was such a humble and gentle Presence, but also very powerful. I honestly remember feeling all of this at once. It was an introduction and invitation at the same time it seemed.

No one knew about this experience of course, and I didn’t tell anyone for quite a long time. No one noticed my new charm on my bracelet either. But…… I was beginning to discover the Secret Place of the Most High.

"Rest in the fact that I have overcome the world!"

I was on an outing after working one evening earlier this week, and thinking heavily about something that was bothering me. Reflection is always good and necessary to a degree. But, it can at times get to a point if left unchecked, we may unnecessarily take on burdens instead of quickly letting them go and moving on.

As I continued to run errands I was praying internally for peace and direction in the situation I was concerned with. I continued asking forgiveness as well if I had so far taken any approach that was not suitable.

I love how God can at times break through our thoughts and problems of the day and bring an instant peace to our hearts. Just as I sat down to wait in a store for something I had ordered, the words that suddenly and unexpectedly came to my heart were” “I want you to rest in the fact that I have overcome.”

My first thought was, “That’s it?” I smiled to myself as I at first thought this statement was quite humorous. Humorous because I am by nature an inquisitive person and I like answers! It is hard for me to accept at times that something just “is”. I have to know the reason why things are a certain way. Sometimes in my attempt to simplify a situation, I actually end up over complicating it.

I was also excited though. I knew this simple statement was a “big” one, and not in the least bit meant to be humorous. This statement is so majestic, and so final. It is Truth, it is peace, and it is security. The fact is Jesus is the final exclamation point, if you will, on all that ever was, is, and ever will be. He is the Alpha and the Omega.

In this life, there will be trials simply because we live in a fallen world. The Holy Spirit can indeed show us mysteries, give us discernment, and of course do great wonders. But, there is an aspect of life where daily trials are ordinary and to be expected. We will face trials that we may not always receive direct answers for. Perhaps an "answer" would be more than we can handle.

I was also pondering the fact that I need to be a little easier going on myself when I do make mistakes. Living in a world where perfection does not exist, will cause some of our reactions in certain situations to be imperfect. This is a human problem. God's mercy is new every morning. It’s almost as if I was being told:  “Get over yourself and move on, I have overcome all. And, once and for all rest in that knowledge.”

I want to be clear though, there is a time for pressing in and being determined that answers will come, in certain situations. This is the kind of faith that Jesus marvels at I think. Don’t ever let go of such tenacity, but discern the times when we need to step back and let go. Or, while we are waiting for answers that haven’t come yet, simply rest in the fact that whatever the outcome of any situation, He truly already has overcome all.

We live in what can be a mysterious and complicated world at times. Some things I’m sure are simply too big for us to handle. However, at the end of the day...there is One who has overcome all.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)