The Waiting....

As I do share some of my spiritual experiences from time to time in this blog, there is yet another I would like to mention.

A few nights ago, I had what seemed like a vision. The last one I had was the night before I left Ireland to return to America in 2005. In the most recent one I was shown some personal things, but there is one thing in particular I would like to share. I heard the numbers 1:22 in my heart. Not knowing what time it was, I reached over to look at my cell phone, and it was exactly 1:22 in the morning. I still wasn’t sure of the significance of these numbers.

The next day, I was talking to a friend , and he shared with me that he had prayed for me the night before for some continuing peace and direction. As I shared with him about 1:22, he looked over at the open bible next to him on a table and read this:

“In all these things Job sinned not by his lips, nor spoke he any foolish thing against God.”

(Job 1:22)

I was told years ago by a deeply spiritual person who had some wisdom and maturity, that I would go through a time of severe testing in my life for the purpose and glory of God. A knowledge of or understanding of the story of Job is quite significant, in that it is one story that takes away the veil for a moment and gives us a glimpse into the perfect wisdom and knowledge of God that is at times beyond our comprehension. Job was most severely tested for the purpose and glory of God.

Job was not a perfect man, he did make mistakes and this is most definitely pointed out to him in the story. I am not perfect either obviously, and I have made foolish mistakes as I tried to navigate my spiritual walk, and I grieve over these every day.

There were times of wavering, and feeling incredibly weak. I have experienced intense confusion at times. The turmoil and confusion was beyond unbearable at times. I can relate to Job as the story tells how his friends came to him and started giving him all sorts of advice. I have gotten this too. I have been told time and time again that God is not the author of confusion. I feel a righteous indignation at times when anyone comes to me and says what is of God and what isn’t. How or who is anyone to really say who God is? Even though the veil in the temple was torn in two and we are united with God through His son in this age, I believe there is a holy distance and respect we must keep in regard to our perspective of an almighty God.

I still feel so tired at times after the testing and the waiting. God will renew all things. I am truly in awe.

Sacrifice & Restoration

A few days ago I imagined Jesus standing in front of an altar. He was passionately admonishing all those listening to remember or understand more fully the sacrifice He made for us, in assuming a human identity and giving His life for us. It was no small thing. What His decision cost Him is probably not fully understood by mankind in the slightest.

I was raised Catholic, so the image of a suffering Jesus on a cross is nothing new. Over the years one can almost become desensitized to this image.

What Jesus did for us is not an accessory we wear like a badge or an adorning piece of jewelry. His act cost Him everything, and this sacrifice was necessary for uniting mankind back to personal relationship with God. He gave His very life, and this sacrifice becomes our life if we receive it as such. In Catholic circles I have heard an individual’s acceptance of Christ’s sacrifice called a “conversion” experience. In Protestant circles one might hear the words “born again” or “saved”.

Yes, there are abuses, cultural clichés, and a lack of true understanding of what these words actually mean. But, it doesn’t take away the fact that yes, Jesus requires each of us to make the same sacrifice and share in His sufferings to become united to God for eternity. There is no other way this is accomplished. Eating His flesh and drinking His blood in the form of bread and wine should remind us of the seriousness of the covenant we have made with Him. I’m sure for many it does.

As I think back I remember the struggle and confusion in my heart regarding the decision I was about to make. I knew back then it wasn’t a light one and it would cost me everything, but also, I knew there was no other way. My confusion stemmed from the fact that I wanted truth and intimacy with God, but I didn’t want in any way to be a part of the culture I seemed suddenly surrounded with. In my thinking at the time, I felt that to accept Jesus fully was to as well accept the interpretation of others regarding His true nature. I write “fully” because I had always believed in Jesus since I was a child, but I didn’t understand the fullness of the gospel message.

I remember the exact moment where, in my heart I gave a full surrender to God. It must have been something like what Jesus felt when He submitted His will to God in the garden. I remember the emotional pain. I also remember a final letting go and that the room seemed to fill with light. I felt something supernatural was happening.

Every day I feel the sting of the sacrifice in my own life as a result of choosing to drink His cup. This comes in many ways as I am changed daily through the things I suffer. I also feel a glorious intimacy with Him and all of heaven, which could never have been realized by any other means. God can take us places we never thought possible, or more beautiful than we feel we are ever promised.

To illustrate I would like to share a dream I had once:

I was locked in one of three closets that were in the bedroom of my parents. My parents have three children. Suddenly, the door of my closet opened and I was free. As I walked out of the closet, I proceeded to walk down a long staircase just off the bedroom. When I got to the bottom of the steps I was standing in an ancient Roman garden in ruins. I could see pottery shards in the overgrown weeds that were bright blue and gold in color. I could tell just by looking at the shards that the pieces were quite beautiful at one time. There was also a fountain crumbling in the center of the garden. As I stood there looking at the scene I was completely overwhelmed. I knew I was given the job of restoring this garden, but felt helpless to do it alone. Just then, a group of people who had been standing behind me moved forward to stand next to me at my right and left side, and I knew that ultimately I wouldn’t be alone.

I knew from this dream I was being shown the beauty God wanted to ‘restore’ to my generational line. I assumed there was some sort of originally intended purpose in Him that had been lost. It certainly is not a task for the faint at heart. But, see what we can be shown if we surrender to Him? I would have never imagined such a thing without God. The sacrifice of Jesus was for the purpose of restoration, and so it is with us as well.

"Death is swallowed up in victory.
Oh death, where is your victory?
Oh, death, where is your sting?"

I Will Rise to Meet You

I had an experience earlier this afternoon that causes me to reflect once again on the amazing love and majesty of God. I was in a store picking up things I needed, and this image and statement came to me in a flash within my heart and mind: Jesus was sitting on a throne, and as He stood up and looked toward me He said, “I will rise to meet you.”

I was a bit surprised as I was not expecting this at all. But, behind the normal routine of life I feel I have been lead into the desert so that He may speak to me more clearly. While life moves forward and there are good things happening, I feel as well that I am being stripped of all needless baggage and being led to a lonely place for a time.

It seems to me that a process that was started earlier this autumn is continuing with more intensity and increased speed. Many situations have converged at once to clear the path ahead I believe. It is true that while there is a part of me that would like for things to continue on as they are, I know they simply cannot. It is also true that I have held on to certain things far too long.

While Jesus walked in the flesh, He was very present and aware of everyday existence. At the same time, He was intensely focused on accomplishing His eternal mission. He had strong words in regard to those who desired to follow Him:

To another he said, “Follow me.” But he said, “Lord, let me first go and bury my father.” But he said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead; but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but let me first say farewell to those at my home.” Jesus said to him, No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God. (Luke 9: 59-62)

In the process of letting go of all that besets us as we walk toward God, He meets us half way and comes toward us with passionate, loving expectancy. He is not content to simply sit and wait for us in such a nonchalant manner as if He had better things to do.

His invitation costs us nothing less than everything, but in return we gain the fullness of relationship with Him who is the author of all creation and a God who is absolute perfection in love, for now, and all of eternity.

Amen.