Going Underground

Recently when I was contemplating one morning, I felt that all too familiar, but arresting Voice say to me: " You are going underground". It was explained to me that, there is a place with God among His people that I have yet to experience. I sensed this place is not to be found among the typical Christian circles that I have been accustomed to. I had a dream which seemed to verify this a few days later.

For the record, I haven't really moved in Christian circles for quite some time. My heart just hasn't been in it. If you knew me and my history you would understand, I think.

It makes sense that it would come to this in that, I'm at a stage in my walk where I can barely stomach so much that I see around me in the name of Christianity, even among Catholics. Well sometimes, especially Catholics.

This theme is really nothing new to me, it can be seen in a few of my past posts. For some reason it's becoming more pronounced though in my heart.

I see a lot of denial and childish play more than I see truth and honesty in following Jesus. I become so angry when I witness people playing with the Holy Spirit as if He is some puppet to be manipulated, or they simply deny Him altogether. He certainly does not need me to defend Him in the least, as He is all power and glory. The First and the Last. So many seem to want to play Christianity more than they really want to know God.

I have noticed in the last few months my tolerance for b.s. is becoming increasingly limited. It never was that strong to begin with. In the past I may have lingered for a time in the name of compassion, but now I just walk away, and I do it quickly. I have learned that in certain instances my compassion was misguided. I no longer try to explain myself, or try too hard to be understood. I just move on. I'm starting to become much less concerned with what people think, in the right sense. I don't mean in the sense that I won't listen and take in what another well meaning and sincere person has to say to me.

I'm not angry in the wrong sense either. I believe I feel a righteous anger, as far as I can tell. I'm not unhappy in a sense of feeling hopeless. I am most definitely hopeful....and I believe I have gone through everything I have for such a time as this. It's all coming together. I have to go where my heart is led.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." I feel like shouting from a mountain to all of Christendom, "Learn what this means!". But, I have learned over the years that purity of heart is something you either have....or you don't. It's not something that can be learned. It is the gift of God.

I'm going to conclude by posting something written by A.W. Tozer. He was not Catholic, but he was and still is truly a voice in the desert. I love his book, "The knowledge of the Holy".

I read the following for the first time today....and all I can say is that I can relate so much. It was a comfort to me to find it. This man has articulated very well what I honestly feel on a daily basis.


THE LONELINESS OF THE CHRISTIAN
by A.W. Tozer
The loneliness of the Christian results from his walk with God in an ungodly world, a walk that must often take him away from the fellowship of good Christians as well as from that of the unregenerate world. His God-given instincts cry out for companionship with others of his kind, others who can understand his longings, his aspirations, his absorption in the love of Christ; and because within his circle of friends there are so few who share his inner experiences he is forced to walk alone. The unsatisfied longings of the prophets for human understanding caused them to cry out in their complaint, and even our Lord Himself suffered in the same way.

The man who has passed on into the divine Presence in actual inner experience will not find many who understand him. He finds few who care to talk about that which is the supreme object of his interest, so he is often silent and preoccupied in the midst of noisy religious shoptalk. For this he earns the reputation of being dull and over-serious, so he is avoided and the gulf between him and society widens. He searches for friends upon whose garments he can detect the smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia out of the ivory palaces, and finding few or none he, like Mary of old, keeps these things in his heart.

It is this very loneliness that throws him back upon God. His inability to find human companionship drives him to seek in God what he can find nowhere else.


"Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" (Matthew 4: 1-4)

Resting in the Garden

I was very busy at work today. I didn’t stop to rest for a second, as I wanted to get a lot of organizing done and certain other tasks out of the way in anticipation of the busy weekend ahead. As I was working, the gentlest voice spoke within my heart. He said to me, “Come into My garden.” I smiled to myself as I thought what a beautiful invitation this was. It wasn’t just the words, but the feeling behind the words. When your Master calls, there is a feeling like none other. After a pause He spoke again. “Don’t go out tonight. Come into My garden.” And then again a moment later, “Come into My garden.”

Is this the first time this has happened? No. I have felt the wooing of my Lord before. But every time it’s like being asked out on a first date all over again. For each of us the Lord’s garden is something unique and special, only meant for us and Him. He prepares a place for us as if we were the only person He chose to visit in this manner.

I then began to picture what this garden would look like. I had imagined other, different gardens before. But today, I imagined a small, beautiful garden with small quiet fountains and many flowers. Especially roses… my favorite. I happen to like Japanese gardens in particular, and I think I was imagining something like this. I thought of dew on bright green plants and a light mist gently falling, and then slowly parting so we could see each other. I pictured a quiet place with much peace. Perhaps no words even had to be spoken between us for a time.

Beyond the physical beauty of the place, there is the excitement and the expectation that comes. We might say to ourselves, “I wonder what He wants to say to me? I wonder what we will talk about?

After I finished working today, I actually went to a couple of garden shops so I could walk around and enjoy the flowers and plants. I was also shopping for this coming Sunday, which is Mother’s Day. Even walking around in a place like this, I could relax and feel at peace. What is it about a garden that is so special? Is it a reminder to us of a place we once occupied, in complete and perfect union with God? That beautiful place that Jesus left, to rescue us and bring us back to Him?

Go to Him. He waits for each and every one of us to behold Him as He really is. This is the only way we can see ourselves and others as He truly meant for us and them to be. How can we say we love God if we do not love others? How can we say we truly love others, if we do not love God? Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

“Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me, you can do nothing.” (John 15: 4-5)

“This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15: 12-13)

" No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you." (John 15: 15)

The Silence & the Mystery

An image came to me once while in a time of reflection. I was in a dark room, resting on a bed in a corner. I could see the bright sunlight through the doorway outside, as people walked by going about the business of the day. I knew Someone was with me, sitting on the floor. It was Jesus. He was simply sitting on the floor next to me, watching in silence as the people walked by. No words were spoken. None had to be. There are times when no words are necessary in intimacy.

What does this image mean to me? It is deeply personal, and perhaps only completely understood by Him and I. As the people of the world continue to go about their business and move "forward", I feel at times my life has not been on the same course as many might choose or find in this life. I have had times where human nature takes over and the doubts start coming…and the fear I have actually lost years where I should have been living a “normal” life. My life is actually very simple in all outward appearance. I have days that I long for so much more. But, I have always understood the delicate nature of my spiritual walk. It is in the unseen where so much has happened. There is no worldly adulation for this….and of course that’s not the point, nor do I seek it.

A few years ago I was with a very small group of people in prayer. One woman sort of took the lead and was praying for all who were present. It was rather informal; she popped in for a quick visit and decided she would pray for everyone. She was a deeply spiritual woman, and words of encouragement came to her for all present. When she looked at me she paused for a moment as if she was studying me. She said to me, “I feel very strongly that you are a force to be contended with.” And, that was it. These words meant so much to me because I understood in my heart what was being conveyed.

I don’t write this to bring attention to myself. I write about this today because I must. What has been going on in my life recently gives me great cause to do spiritual battle and be that force that God has created or given me the grace to be.

Psalms 144: 1-7

Blessed be the LORD my strength which teaches my hands to war, and my fingers to fight:

My goodness, and my fortress; my high tower, and my deliverer; my shield, and he in whom I trust; who subdues my people under me.

LORD, what is man, that you take knowledge of him! or the son of man, that you make account of him!

Man is like to vanity: his days are as a shadow that passes away.

Bow your heavens, O LORD, and come down: touch the mountains and they shall smoke. Cast forth lightning, and scatter them: shoot out your arrows, and destroy them.

Send your hand from above; rid me, and deliver me out of great waters, from the hand of strange children;Whose mouth speaks vanity, and their right hand is a right hand of falsehood.

I will sing a new song to you, O God: on a psaltery and an instrument of ten strings will I sing praises to you.

You Must Know Him

I had a dream years ago which helped set the course of my spiritual walk I believe to where I am today. At the time of my dream I was attending a small non-denominational charismatic church in the mid-west. Looking back, it was one of the most traumatic periods of my life as I tried to navigate a culture I could not relate too nor tolerate in good conscience for very long. What was so traumatic at times was the intense confusion brought about by the presence of some truth and sincerity mixed with more error and religious self righteousness.

My dream:

I was attending a Sunday service with this group. Suddenly, I stood up on a chair and called out to them, “You must KNOW Him, you must KNOW Him!” Many in attendance were walking past me and looking away as they seemed oblivious to my words. They wouldn’t or couldn’t hear me. (It felt a little like I could have been Joan of Arc as she defied the cautious strategy that characterized French leadership during her time.) I had a long black dress on, which I later understood to symbolize mystery and femininity I believe. Mystery and femininity often are linked together…and can also be symbols of the Holy Spirit.

This dream came at a time when I was starting to distance myself from this group with not a few raised eyebrows. It was a comfort to me as it affirmed what I was already feeling. That is, the culture of Christianity around us often has little to do with the person of Jesus who walked the earth. As a matter of fact, they are so diametrically opposed to one another that anyone moving in these circles (whatever denomination) who does not truly desire to know God, will likely become their worst possible selves. There is just something insidious to the core when there is a ‘quest for God’ within all the man made props we form internally and outside of ourselves. God will never be found there. (I’m not referring to certain tools of devotion we may use from time to time like art or certain sacred objects.)

When Jesus was speaking with the Samaritan woman at the well, He answered her referral to places of worship like Jerusalem and that of a certain mountain by saying, “Women, believe me, the hour is coming when neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem will you worship the Father. You worship what you do not know; we worship what we know, for salvation is from the Jews. But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth.”

Around this time as well, I had another significant experience: I was sitting alone at a table with different versions of the bible, a concordance, and some bible commentaries. In the circles I associated with at the time there was a strong focus on bible study, and getting to ‘know’ God this way. Suddenly, it felt like a presence seemed to come into the room, and from behind me. I looked up from what I was reading and felt what can best described as a hot chill within and around me. These words strongly came to my heart, “Cheri, when you want to get to know someone, do you read a book about them?”

I understood at that moment, that while the scriptures are a tool and contain the living Word of God (and I refer to them frequently in my postings), they are not all of God’s words. Neither are all of Christ’s actions contained within. There is a knowing Jesus that only comes from our personal communion with Him, and this is what He is most jealous for in us.

In Matthew Chapter 7, Jesus lays out some very strong points in reference to what walking with Him honestly entails. Some of these include not being judgmental of others without first looking at our own actions; not casting your pearls before swine and giving what is holy to dogs; anyone who is truly seeking should ask and they will find; enter by the narrow gate; and beware of false prophets who come in sheep’s clothing. All of these are quite serious and could each be elaborated on further at some length.

His final point which comes directly after these, I believe is the most sobering: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord, shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of my father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you evildoers.’ (Matthew 7: 21-23)

This is where true discernment is so vital. There are actually those who consider themselves to be strong Christians, performing certain spiritual acts that they are convinced are the gifts of the Holy Spirit in action, and these are absolutely nothing of the kind.

The reason I am so passionate about this subject is that in my own personal walk with Christ, I had to fight so hard to be where I am today, and it is sometimes a very lonely place. Even after I returned to the Catholic Church, I found my walk isolating. It saddens me when I see Catholics following after or taking part in much of what I referred to above. As Catholics we have a treasure in the universal message and understanding of Christ’s salvation that transcends the factions that tear apart and divide.

I never came into this because I was searching for easy answers. Many nights I cried myself to sleep as I struggled with the confusion and chaos of much that surrounded me. I still do at times. It can truly be fight to get to know the true person of Jesus, instead of all that functions in His name only.

I have always wanted to simply know God. To know who He really is. I love the mystery of it all. Many times when I’m feeling the pressure surround me, I have learned to retreat to His presence when I’m alone. In the last two years or so, what comes to me more often in these times is this: A simple but profound declaration: “I AM”

"……….they put Jesus in show business, now it’s hard to get in the door.” U2