Beware the leaven of the Pharisees....

I had a dream a couple of months ago where I was shown three distinct scenes that I believe were revealing to me things to come. Just to clarify, I don’t believe all dreams we have are necessarily messages given to us by God. I have many dreams that seem simply an array of images my subconscious has brought up while asleep.

However since my conversion experience, I began to have dreams that definitely seemed as if they were personal messages of direction, insight, warning, or encouragement. As I began to understand that God does indeed speak to us through dreams after speaking with others, and also in reading the scriptures, I began to take heed and “listen” more closely. And too, some were just so profound I could not have denied them. Some of these I have never even written down as it seems they were permanently etched in my heart and mind.

I have shared a few dreams in previous posts. In light of what I’m about to share, I would like to mention that I had a couple of dreams in which I believe I was strongly led back to the Catholic Church. Again, these I wrote about in previous posts.

Of the three distinct scenes I mentioned above, I would like to share one with you: I was alone, and kneeling in a chapel that was attached and adjacent to a huge cathedral. I could see and hear there was a Mass going on in the Cathedral with many in attendance, and the whole congregation was standing and singing a well known hymn. Everyone seemed very happy and joyful, as if they didn't have a care in the world. I was shown one person that I know personally who was also singing during this Mass. This person happens to adhere to and defend Church doctrine quite strongly (not necessarily a bad thing and quite noble with good intentions and a heart of love for God). I felt separate and in no way part of the congregation as I knelt alone on a white piece of carpet, right next to a pew in a small chapel that was beside this cathedral. I very much felt like an outcast for some reason. I was praying, asking for forgiveness for something quite serious, and weeping. All of a sudden, I looked up and a little boy stood right in front of me, motionless, as he stared straight ahead. The altar seemed huge and overbearing behind him. He said nothing, and he was wearing a white t-shirt that had “TRUTH” written on it in large black letters.

I believe with what the Church is now facing, the image speaks for itself quite powerfully. He who has ears, let him hear.

Immediately after having this dream I wondered perhaps if I was being shown something personal I needed to ask forgiveness for, in reference to my own faith and the Church. The image was simple and profound, but I was puzzled by it.

Now, just a couple of days ago the dream was brought back to my remembrance with the meaning given, as I was contemplating things that disturbed me in my heart regarding the Church. Another part of the dream that I did not share in this post has come to pass as well in a way that I could not have perceived at the time. As I was pondering recent events, it suddenly all made sense. The light was turned on and I could see the bigger picture.

I trusted God with all my heart when I believed I was led back to the Catholic Church. But, I went back well knowing I would never be a “religious” Catholic. I was never good at being “religious” in any circle for the sake of appearing devout. When I went through a time of intense searching in my early twenties I was looking for real answers, I was looking for Truth. I was shown the reality of the risen Jesus in a most profound way, and my heart could never deny it no matter what was going on around me. So yes, I followed the leading of the Holy Spirit but it has never been easy in this regard. God obviously knew this already, which is why I was told “do not be afraid”. I have always had a sort of disillusionment with the Church. I have for the most part accepted it thinking that following God had to be good enough without insisting I have all the answers.

Regarding the recent abuse reports in the news, in the past I in part blamed the media for an assumed over embellishment. I reasoned that such things happened in many other settings as well. I reasoned the Church was still a refuge to me in the midst of the type of "show business" American Protestant (charismatic or otherwise) Christianity that I had been involved in for a time. I reasoned the Church did many good and wonderful things as well. But, this is not an excuse to defend or hide the reality of the situation we as Catholics must face. It honestly seems the Church was and still is quite a hiding place for a lot of sick men. Beware, God is not mocked. Those who are willing must be a light shining in the darkness.

It is a noble thing to be a strong force of truth, beauty, and light in the world. But when that truth is in word and doctrine only, where no heartfelt action exists, it is worth absolutely nothing. When doctrine is proclaimed at the expense of innocent human beings, it is worth absolutely nothing. When tradition is upheld at the expense of true humility and human compassion, it is worth absolutely nothing. It must stink like rotting garbage in God’s nostrils.

“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.” (Matthew 18:6)

“Beware of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed upon the housetops.” (Luke 12:1-4)

“Beware of the scribes, who like to go about in long robes, and to have salutations in the market places and the best seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at feasts, who devour widows’ houses and for a pretense make long prayers. They will receive the greater condemnation” (Mark 12:38-40)

And he said to them: "You have a fine way of setting aside the commands of God in order to observe your own traditions! (Mark 7: 9-10)

Going Underground

Recently when I was contemplating one morning, I felt that all too familiar, but arresting Voice say to me: " You are going underground". It was explained to me that, there is a place with God among His people that I have yet to experience. I sensed this place is not to be found among the typical Christian circles that I have been accustomed to. I had a dream which seemed to verify this a few days later.

For the record, I haven't really moved in Christian circles for quite some time. My heart just hasn't been in it. If you knew me and my history you would understand, I think.

It makes sense that it would come to this in that, I'm at a stage in my walk where I can barely stomach so much that I see around me in the name of Christianity, even among Catholics. Well sometimes, especially Catholics.

This theme is really nothing new to me, it can be seen in a few of my past posts. For some reason it's becoming more pronounced though in my heart.

I see a lot of denial and childish play more than I see truth and honesty in following Jesus. I become so angry when I witness people playing with the Holy Spirit as if He is some puppet to be manipulated, or they simply deny Him altogether. He certainly does not need me to defend Him in the least, as He is all power and glory. The First and the Last. So many seem to want to play Christianity more than they really want to know God.

I have noticed in the last few months my tolerance for b.s. is becoming increasingly limited. It never was that strong to begin with. In the past I may have lingered for a time in the name of compassion, but now I just walk away, and I do it quickly. I have learned that in certain instances my compassion was misguided. I no longer try to explain myself, or try too hard to be understood. I just move on. I'm starting to become much less concerned with what people think, in the right sense. I don't mean in the sense that I won't listen and take in what another well meaning and sincere person has to say to me.

I'm not angry in the wrong sense either. I believe I feel a righteous anger, as far as I can tell. I'm not unhappy in a sense of feeling hopeless. I am most definitely hopeful....and I believe I have gone through everything I have for such a time as this. It's all coming together. I have to go where my heart is led.

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." I feel like shouting from a mountain to all of Christendom, "Learn what this means!". But, I have learned over the years that purity of heart is something you either have....or you don't. It's not something that can be learned. It is the gift of God.

I'm going to conclude by posting something written by A.W. Tozer. He was not Catholic, but he was and still is truly a voice in the desert. I love his book, "The knowledge of the Holy".

I read the following for the first time today....and all I can say is that I can relate so much. It was a comfort to me to find it. This man has articulated very well what I honestly feel on a daily basis.


THE LONELINESS OF THE CHRISTIAN
by A.W. Tozer
The loneliness of the Christian results from his walk with God in an ungodly world, a walk that must often take him away from the fellowship of good Christians as well as from that of the unregenerate world. His God-given instincts cry out for companionship with others of his kind, others who can understand his longings, his aspirations, his absorption in the love of Christ; and because within his circle of friends there are so few who share his inner experiences he is forced to walk alone. The unsatisfied longings of the prophets for human understanding caused them to cry out in their complaint, and even our Lord Himself suffered in the same way.

The man who has passed on into the divine Presence in actual inner experience will not find many who understand him. He finds few who care to talk about that which is the supreme object of his interest, so he is often silent and preoccupied in the midst of noisy religious shoptalk. For this he earns the reputation of being dull and over-serious, so he is avoided and the gulf between him and society widens. He searches for friends upon whose garments he can detect the smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia out of the ivory palaces, and finding few or none he, like Mary of old, keeps these things in his heart.

It is this very loneliness that throws him back upon God. His inability to find human companionship drives him to seek in God what he can find nowhere else.


"Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the desert to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, "If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread." Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'" (Matthew 4: 1-4)

Seeing With the Eyes and Heart of Jesus

I would like to share something that is very dear to my heart.

Ever since I had my conversion experience in which the Holy Spirit "moved in" if you will, I have noticed over the years that there have been some changes in my perception of things. When Jesus comes to us to reside within our inner most being, I believe we at times see with His eyes and feel what He feels regarding the world around us.

It’s as if a whole new world is opened up to us beyond what we normally were able to comprehend in the past. Seeing with the eyes of the Spirit is just that, the converted soul is able to see beyond the here and now. It is able to see eternal things.

I think a big thing for me is that I can at times see other people how Jesus sees them…and it’s an amazing thing. Mostly I have kept this to myself, and it has become such a normal part of my every day experience. Also, it comes with a deep burden or even pain at times, as my eyes are opened to who certain people are meant to be or become. Yet, they may be in darkness in their heart and mind for a variety of reasons. If only they could know how Jesus sees them…and who He created them to be.

I think this particularly hits home with me, as in looking back I see how Jesus took me from such darkness and set me free. I allowed Him to show me things I never would have imagined in a million years. I was in a prayer meeting one night years ago…and this precise prophetic word was given to me: “I will show you things that you can’t even imagine.” And my dear friends, He has…..He certainly has remained faithful to His promise. And many times this concerns His love for other people. The Lord's heart is so beautiful...and filled with such depth. This He can impart to us if we let Him.

A particular instance comes to mind. Not long ago I went out with my sisters for a night on the town. As we were leaving a dance club, I was sort of walking behind them and enjoying their laughter and back and forth banter. When the three of us get together we are quite funny actually. I noticed how we looked so “east coast” wearing our long black coats and black boots. As we left the club, there was a young man putting trash in a bin from another night spot across the alley. My sisters immediately went over to him and said hello…and then good night to him. They didn’t think anything of it, but I could tell by the look on the man’s face it seemed to really make his night that someone would go out of their way to say hello to him. I saw a warm smile appear on his face as he lifted his head with a look of surprise. I immediately felt the Lord’s pleasure in this. Not anyone else coming out of the club even noticed he was there.

We all walked on for a bit soon passing a parking garage on the way to look for a cab. Again, there was a young man tending to customers and their cars, but he wasn’t busy at the moment. My sisters walked into the garage from the sidewalk, and began to include him in an ongoing conversation about professional boxing that had started a block away. You could tell this was something this young man was very familiar with by his welcoming of the conversation! You could tell by the look on his face that this was putting some gladness into his night. He was smiling from ear to ear. I was still standing on the sidewalk taking this in, when I immediately felt the Lord’s pleasure again….and it was almost if I could feel Him looking through my eyes. His presence just suddenly seemed stronger. There were many groups of people walking all around us as the clubs were closing, and no one else came in to speak to this man.

As we all continued to walk toward finding a cab, I pondered how the Lord took pleasure in what He just saw. I felt His love for my sisters….and His compassion toward people in general…and the pleasure He feels when we show the smallest act of kindness toward others….especially strangers.

What I love too is that even though there was the occasional socially acceptable profanity spoken, cigarette smoke wafting, and a slight buzz going, Jesus certainly wasn’t too concerned about it…nor did He seem to hear it. What He loved was the kindness shown to a stranger, and the fellowship of laughter and friendly banter. And this has been my experience with Jesus when it comes to other people, that He is often not too offended by the things many of those who claim to follow Him are. I’m not advocating those things that some might find offensive….I’m just sayin’.

I see true greatness in many people…and I feel such a depth of emotion that they can’t see it or grasp how God loves them….and KNOWS them. I cannot even really find adequate words for what I feel. He wants them to know Him in the same way. My sisters have probably forgotten that night, and to them it wasn’t a big deal. However I know the the One was greatly pleased. I wonder about all the times we have forgotten where we may have done something that pleased Jesus.

What I have written about is only one example of many. We are truly His hands, His feet, and His heart on earth. Whatever you do the least of these, you do it for Him.

The Secret Place of the Most High

I love the fact that God has a secret place. It means to me there must be something about Him that is mysterious and hidden, and not out in the open for all to see. Well, it is written that no man can see Him and live.

You could say that God is not necessarily an open book. He is not the “show business” type of god that so many make Him out to be. Despite the magnificence of creation all around us; God still chooses to remain a mystery, silent on many things we wish He would speak about, and all together entirely “other” than ourselves. Indeed He calls all men to Himself, but few are actually chosen. See, there is some mystery in this I think. And, just think for a moment how many centuries passed before Jesus was actually born, even though the promise of a coming messiah was well known. Might have part of the reason been that God was properly cautious, and didn’t reveal His heart before He was ready? Of course I’m speculating, but I wonder.

For those of us that believe in God and abide in His presence, we are hiding in this secret place. We are under the protection of the Almighty and His shadow covers us. This place is not seen by everyone, but we know as His beloved, that it exists. It is a place of refuge, a true light in the darkness. When the world around us becomes bitter to our soul and draining to our spirit, we can retreat into His presence where we may have the sweetest communion.

As I’m writing this post a memory keeps coming to my mind. I haven’t thought of this for quite some time. Perhaps there is a purpose at this time in recalling it. For me, and for any who could benefit from reading this.

When I was only fifteen or sixteen years old, I started having personal encounters or experiences where I believed and understood that the Holy Spirit was drawing me in closer, although I wouldn’t have referred to it as such at the time. At this time I also wore a charm bracelet that my aunt had started for me when I was around eight years of age.

One day, I walked down to a local Catholic shop to look at some charms to add to my bracelet, and I noticed a blue/sterling silver charm which had a dove engraved on it. I knew I had to have this charm, as it properly commemorated what was happening in my heart. I didn’t have the money for it right away so I saved my allowance until I could purchase it. I would go into the store from time to time to make sure it was still there. When I finally had the money, I remember running to the store as fast as I could. I honestly remember feeling that I couldn’t get there fast enough. No one else knew about this charm or the purchase. I wore this bracelet for many years, eventually taking all charms off except the engraved dove. I think I even had it blessed. The charm was a constant reminder to me that I had a place of refuge far from all that could ever harm or destroy. It was a reminder to me that there was One who loved me and was calling me to Himself.

Whenever I looked at this charm, I was brought back to the time when I can honestly say I first felt the Holy Spirit’s presence. I was sitting in my room in my childhood home studying, but feeling quite sad and alone at that moment. I remember looking up and out of my bedroom window, at the precise moment a very gentle, light, and refreshing breeze came into my room. The window was not even open. It happened in an instant. My first thought was not that this was Jesus or God….but that this was most surely the Holy Spirit. And, as a Catholic I already understood that all three were One. I felt a love in my heart beyond words and I silently started to cry. I just remember letting the tears flow as I began to relax in the Presence. This was such a humble and gentle Presence, but also very powerful. I honestly remember feeling all of this at once. It was an introduction and invitation at the same time it seemed.

No one knew about this experience of course, and I didn’t tell anyone for quite a long time. No one noticed my new charm on my bracelet either. But…… I was beginning to discover the Secret Place of the Most High.

"Rest in the fact that I have overcome the world!"

I was on an outing after working one evening earlier this week, and thinking heavily about something that was bothering me. Reflection is always good and necessary to a degree. But, it can at times get to a point if left unchecked, we may unnecessarily take on burdens instead of quickly letting them go and moving on.

As I continued to run errands I was praying internally for peace and direction in the situation I was concerned with. I continued asking forgiveness as well if I had so far taken any approach that was not suitable.

I love how God can at times break through our thoughts and problems of the day and bring an instant peace to our hearts. Just as I sat down to wait in a store for something I had ordered, the words that suddenly and unexpectedly came to my heart were” “I want you to rest in the fact that I have overcome.”

My first thought was, “That’s it?” I smiled to myself as I at first thought this statement was quite humorous. Humorous because I am by nature an inquisitive person and I like answers! It is hard for me to accept at times that something just “is”. I have to know the reason why things are a certain way. Sometimes in my attempt to simplify a situation, I actually end up over complicating it.

I was also excited though. I knew this simple statement was a “big” one, and not in the least bit meant to be humorous. This statement is so majestic, and so final. It is Truth, it is peace, and it is security. The fact is Jesus is the final exclamation point, if you will, on all that ever was, is, and ever will be. He is the Alpha and the Omega.

In this life, there will be trials simply because we live in a fallen world. The Holy Spirit can indeed show us mysteries, give us discernment, and of course do great wonders. But, there is an aspect of life where daily trials are ordinary and to be expected. We will face trials that we may not always receive direct answers for. Perhaps an "answer" would be more than we can handle.

I was also pondering the fact that I need to be a little easier going on myself when I do make mistakes. Living in a world where perfection does not exist, will cause some of our reactions in certain situations to be imperfect. This is a human problem. God's mercy is new every morning. It’s almost as if I was being told:  “Get over yourself and move on, I have overcome all. And, once and for all rest in that knowledge.”

I want to be clear though, there is a time for pressing in and being determined that answers will come, in certain situations. This is the kind of faith that Jesus marvels at I think. Don’t ever let go of such tenacity, but discern the times when we need to step back and let go. Or, while we are waiting for answers that haven’t come yet, simply rest in the fact that whatever the outcome of any situation, He truly already has overcome all.

We live in what can be a mysterious and complicated world at times. Some things I’m sure are simply too big for us to handle. However, at the end of the day...there is One who has overcome all.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

His Secret Is For Those That Revere Him

I have come to the conclusion that for a sincere follower of God, the world can indeed be a very lonely and dark place at times. For years I have carried a sense within my heart that, for many, the gospel message is very cheap and broad. Jesus and all His ‘benefits’, could be likened to a child going after a bag full of candy in a candy shop. It’s amazing to me that when Jesus was so incredibly specific; His words are treated as a little afternoon snack that can be picked at, examined, and tossed back in the bag when we decide we are not so interested. “In hearing they do not hear, and in seeing they do not see.” Honestly, that is quite a chilling and serious statement.

I was in a bookshop on Saturday and noticed a particularly large Christian section. There was a time about ten years ago when I would have lingered or spent more time looking over a section such as this. Now, I can hardly stand to look over one of these sections..or even go near it! A certain nausea increases as I get ever closer. There is a lot of ‘candy’, but not a lot of realistic and true substance that would cause my heart to skip a beat.

Am I so enlightened that I am looking down on anything that is beneath my spiritual awareness? No. You must understand what it is to know Jesus, and how much I love Him. You must understand what He has done for me. He paid a price for me that I cannot even begin to fathom the cost to Him. He rescued me from a darkness so great that sometimes I still shake my head and wonder how this all could have happened. Even in moments of intense doubt and confusion, I still cannot deny Him. I very quickly realize in these situations that His truth and solidarity shine through stronger than anything I may feel at that moment. To me, He is majestic beyond words. He is fierce, gentle, kind, completely solid and stable, yet unpredictable and incomprehensible all at the same time. His words can slice through bullshit like a sword, or gently mend a heart in love.

I experienced a lot in the first twenty or so years of my life. My childhood was one that was filled with much fear and a constant fight within to acknowledge reality in a very unpredictable environment. What was real was denied, and what was false was honored and protected. My worth as a human being and an individual would not be realized fully until I called out to Jesus. I believe He was always with me, but there was a time as an adult where I had to make a decision. I have discussed this in previous posts.

To ‘fear’ God, is to know God. To ‘fear’ God is to love Him. There is a ‘knowing’ Him that is simply beyond words. In this knowing is a heart that can hear and handle His secrets. The secret of the Lord is for those that love Him. You won’t find these secrets in the Christian section of a bookshop.

As I walked out of the store on Saturday, I took a look around at all the people enjoying the day and hustling about. I looked back in the store one last time as if to make sure I was really finished browsing. As I was walking away these words so gently came to my heart: “The secret of the Lord if for those who fear  (love) Him.” I walked on enjoying the peaceful silence, but ever strong presence of the One in my heart. Yes Jesus, your secrets are safe with me. Here am I … to sit at your feet and listen.

Psalm 25:14

A Severe Strength Lies Within Our Greatest Weakness

I have always admired the fierce determination, focus, and strength I have at times seen in others during times of hardship or testing. Anyone having the courage to go after a dream despite seemingly impossible obstacles amazes me.

I was reading an article recently where one of my favorite singers, Lisa Gerrard, was interviewed. The interviewer asked when it was that she first realized she had a “unique” singing ability. She simply answered: “I am not unique, I am focused.” She went on to explain that her focus was a result of a desire to accomplish her God given mission, and not of any awareness of a particular uniqueness in her singing ability. This is certainly admirable. If you ask me, this is the right sort of focus.

One of my all time favorite movies, The Right Stuff, also comes to mind. Chuck Yeager, as a test pilot, never seemed to let fear get in his way as he consistently pushed the envelope in his day. If he ever was fearful it seems he didn’t show it.

I happen to be fascinated with aircraft and all things regarding flying, ever since I was a child. This has a lot to do of course with the influence of my father. He has a pilot’s license and a particular love of flying himself. I remember as a child standing next to him as we looked out an airport window watching planes take off. We looked on in silence for a bit, and then he simply said to me, “I think one of the greatest things man has ever learned to do is fly.” I would certainly agree. This is a great human accomplishment where many who lived before us forged ahead toward a seemingly impossible mission.

In my own life I have recently been trying get back a focus that I once had, and great movies certainly inspire. A type of focus and determination I was raised to believe was necessary to possess at all times. My mother actually keeps a magnet on her refrigerator that reads, “To be bored is like taking poison.” I have at times felt a tremendous amount of guilt for thinkng I'm perhaps not being focused enough. This I carry with me every day as I go on navigating my particular path. I simply feel there is not enough time to get everything done I need to do. However, I seem to at times be so easily affected by the sadness of others and the pain in the world. As I take this on, I tend to lose my focus and attention on other things.

In my spiritual life, I have at times felt incredibly weak. Realizing that one can truly do nothing without God requires an act of faith and humility that will in unison destroy any “I am a self-made man or women” mentality we have lingering about. Abiding in Him does not leave a lot of room for the false sort of ambition.

A couple of days ago as I was once again contemplating this whole idea of focus and activity versus surrender, (I understand we can do both in God, as all things are complete in God) and suddenly God felt particularly close. I sensed that His Spirit was attracted to in me, at that moment, a particular fragility contained within a severe strength that was entirely based on my faith in Him. In the same moment that I was telling myself I needed to be ever stronger, God was delighting in my fragility. How could he find this beautiful?

And then He reminded me, “My strength is perfected in your weakness.” In all the ways that we are weak, He is strong. In all the ways we are strong, He is there making us even stronger, all the while perfecting that strength into a sweet aroma for His cause and purpose.

The truth is I am incredibly focused, and herein lies the source of much frustration. I see a goal, and I want to forge ahead and accomplish it…. yesterday. This doesn’t always fit with God’s plan. My focus against all odds remains on the One who has set me free from the law of sin and death. The fragility and “weakness” I get so frustrated within myself for possessing at times serves a particular purpose. It keeps me humble, and compassionate toward the plight of others.

God is love. This is what this life is all about. If we cannot enter into the pain and suffering of others, we cannot know God.

So let us thank God for our strengths and weaknesses. For in the recesses of our greatest weakness, is the seed of a beautiful, eternal, severe strength that no one can take from us, ever.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12: 9)

"Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart: wait I say on the Lord".(Psalm 27:14)