Living The Mystery..

She knows only that she must go on, for he is not here, he is beyond ... nothing to be seen save the great expanse of cold, grey sea. No land in sight. She must not turn back, she cannot stand still, she must go on, must do what she cannot do for he is somewhere beyond, calling. She steps out to walk upon the waters, to go to him whom she cannot see. To do this is to be 'there' with him.

 Ruth Burrows. Guidelines For Mystical Prayer

Unflinching Resolve

As I was on my morning journey to do what it is I have to do today, I felt a certain heaviness of heart. I determined I would continue on in silence. No music, no distractions. As I grew nearer to my destination, I started to cry. The release was inconvenient but necessary. I have been fasting in recent days, so it’s probably helping me release some pent up emotion. 

I prayed. Suddenly, an image came to me of Jesus sitting at the right hand of God. I saw the eyes of Jesus tear up, and plead with God to take the burden I carry away. God, stared straight ahead and did not flinch in His response. With the quickness of a flash of lightning it was simply, “No, she must see this through.” It wasn’t His response alone that struck me. It was what I perceived in His eyes. There was a vast, black depth beyond description. Out of this depth came sounds of laughter, sobs of agony, gentleness, precipitous cliffs of bitterness,  incinerating stares of examination, compassion, and love. And, in the midst of all of this He seemed to release a slight, not fully formed smile. God smirked in that proud, knowing way a parent might observe a child unaware; struggling with great difficulty to achieve something necessary and important.  

Later in the day, I happened to have a woman in the beginning stages of labor seated next to me.  I asked her if she needed anything. She simply replied with some disgust, “I just have to go through it!”. I was moved by her determination and resolve. I know this woman to be particularly strong, and I caught myself doing the knowing slight smile. I was proud of her momentary display of resoluteness. I was reminded once again, that God sometimes insists we go through. It seems He must know that we will give birth to something far greater if we push further into the unknown.

I don’t doubt for a second, that Jesus pleading with God on behalf of His beloved does not carry powerful weight. I sensed no dis-unity in their communication. Their intimacy is beyond description, spiraling in constant perfection. God, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  

" Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man."  Fyodor Dostoevsky

Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man. Fyodor Dostoevsky
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/f/fyodordost161081.html

Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man. Fyodor Dostoevsky
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/f/fyodordost161081.html

Beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and devil are fighting there, and the battlefield is the heart of man. Fyodor Dostoevsky
Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/f/fyodordost161081.html

The Spirit of Wisdom and Understanding

I mentioned in my last post that I would share more of my story regarding my return to the Catholic Church.

I was raised Catholic. After being a member of a couple of small non-denominational churches, I believe that Jesus called me back to the Catholic Church. There is a beautiful little story here that I haven’t told very much. Perhaps it’s time to tell it again.

As I was starting to distance myself from a certain church group years ago, I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next, or where I would go. I had seen and experienced so much in this type of group in a short amount of time, that I really needed to take time and process what this was all about. My roommate at the time was attending the same church and having her own questions as well. One Sunday evening we happened to be home at the same time. We had just gotten a call from the pastor’s wife. She confronted us by questioning us each individually about what our commitment was to this church. I suppose we were a little too independent for this group, and it was starting to show. After the phone call ended, I remember a nudge came to my heart that I should get a bible and sit with my roommate and read the 23rd psalm. We did this, and it was a great comfort at the time.

Psalm 23:

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.

In green pastures you let me graze, to safe waters you lead me; you restore my strength.

You guide me along the right path for the sake of your name.

Even when I walk through a dark valley,

I fear no harm for you are at my side; your rod and staff give me courage.

You set a table before me as my enemies watch;

You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Only goodness and love will pursue me all the days of my life;

I will dwell in the house of the Lord for years to come.

I felt after the reading that Jesus wanted us to know He was indeed with us, and that His leading always comes through peace. I felt that the confrontation we received was not from Him. I also felt He was showing us we would each be directed individually about what we should do next.
A week later I had a dream. I know I mention my dreams quite a bit in my postings, but it does seem to be a way I am personally given direction at times.

My dream:

I was at a picnic with all of the members of the two non-denominational churches I had been a member of. We were under a shed where a long picnic table seated all who were present. A woman sitting at the head of the table called me over to her and handed me a note on a white piece of paper. She said there was a “prophetic” message for me in the note. I opened it and the note read, “Go back to the Catholic Church. Don’t be afraid.” I then looked up at the sky which was very blue, and I saw an image of God sitting on a throne, and then He suddenly changed into the likeness of the Pope, and then back again. After this, the dream ended.

How can it be any clearer than that? I was shocked in a way, as I was troubled at the image of God suddenly morphing into the likeness of the Pope. To many people this would be considered even sacrilegious. This was a big step for me, and I needed some time to ponder the image. Even though I was raised Catholic, I never understood exactly what the image seemed to convey to me.

I also had a couple of friends at the time who were making a similar journey. One had been raised Baptist, the other had been raised Catholic. Both were feeling a call to the Church in much the same the same way that I was. The three of us decided to attend Mass together one particular Sunday. We were late so we had to stand in the back of the church. I remember behind us was a huge, new, stained glass window that had just been erected in place. The priest was actually speaking about it in his sermon. He told the story of the woman who designed it, and how she received the inspiration to do so. The image on the window was of a beautiful white dove in flight. During the consecration of the host, I remember looking up behind me at this window, and suddenly what seemed like a gentle breeze flowed through the entire church. This happened as the priest lifted the communion host. My friends and I knew something extraordinary was happening. I also noticed people sitting in the pews bending forward a little and looking around as the wind blew through. Some seemed to understand exactly what was happening, and there was great joy in the room.

At the time and in my amazement, I took this as another sign that I should return to the Church.

Not long after this, this same parish was having a weekend retreat. I decided to go. In listening to the speakers I began to realize what a rich place the Catholic Church is, and that I was starting to feel at home again. The talks all seemed to be directed right at me! At one point when a certain priest was giving a talk, I remember looking up at a window. It had been raining that day. I’m not one to look for these sorts of things, and have never seen anything like it since. There was what looked very much like a butterfly formed by the raindrops on the window. I stared at it for a bit and nudged my friend who was sitting next to me. He noticed it right away and we just smiled at each other. I felt in my heart it was a time for new beginnings.

So, my roommate and I were getting settled into taking the direction we each thought was best for us. One Saturday, the pastor’s wife who called us that evening not long ago, decided to stop in for an unannounced visit. We graciously invited her in and asked her to sit down for a chat. See, we both liked her very much. She had a good heart, and she was sincere in her search and love of God. She told us she couldn’t stay long, but that she had to drop in because as she happened to be passing our house (which wasn’t very often or likely), she noticed in broad daylight a huge owl sitting on our roof. She said she had never seen anything like it. She looked at my roommate and I in amazement as if to say, “I understand now, the Lord is in this place and I should not interfere.” There was a sense of the Lord's majesty in the situation. She was the type of person to be quite sensitive to this sort of thing. She later called that evening and apologized for making incorrect assumptions about each of our personal choices.

I just so happen to love owls. I love the intensity of their eyes and everything they symbolize. In this case I took a symbolic meaning from the owl showing up on our roof that day. What stood out to me was the Lord was present with us in His Wisdom. Owls can also symbolize mystery and an ability to see things that are hidden. I also read once that owls can symbolize our search for “total truth”.

Dreaming about Generational Lines; Truth & Sacrifice

A few days ago, I had a dream that startled me a bit. I suppose at this point it really shouldn’t have.

In this dream I was in a hotel room in a particular country (which this as well symbolized where I should be living or rather, the “spirit” of what I should be doing), and there was a lot of chaos going on. Initially, it was just my own simple room, but very quickly turned into a suite where men from past generations of my patriarchal line were present. They were all rushing about, very busy, getting ready for a wedding.

In addition to this, it seemed someone or something besides these deceased relatives wanted my attention. I just couldn’t get away from it all. Even some co-workers were present demanding my focus. I was trying to get ready for something myself, but couldn’t seem to find the time to prepare with all the obstacles present. My cell phone was ringing, and I received text messages reading “urgent message” more than once.

While all the commotion was going on, I suddenly looked across the room and a bunch of white goats wrapped in red ribbons came running in the main room of the suite. I knew they had all been prepared to be part of wedding photos. They started to urinate all over the carpet. I thought to myself, “How am I going to clean this entire mess up?” “I can’t stay here; I’ll have to find another place.” I was overwhelmed at how much damage was done in such a short amount of time.

I found the following on a Christian dream symbol website:

The Goat as a Christian Symbol represents oppressors, wicked men and demonic forces. The goat also symbolizes unrepentant sinners who will be separated from God on judgment day which is associated with the following Bible verse:

Matt. 25:31 "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

I believe the goats to be symbolic according to the statement above (although I am not so simple minded as to immediately go there); as this quite simply is not the first time my generational line has been brought to my attention.

There is also often a sense that I have been seriously “hindered”, if you will, by forces beyond my control (in a certain sense, as it is understood Jesus gave us authority over such things), as the above statement notes as well.

So to put it bluntly, the goats have barged in and pissed all over my sanctuary. Or, THE sanctuary of the one true living God. It is this place I have strived to maintain, not perfectly of course, but it is everything to me.

Distractions. Chaos. Disobedience. I actually think I can sense the incredible stubbornness or wall that was built up in opposition to God in my generational lines. There is a tangible sense of a fierce self well and determination against the knowledge of God present.

After I surrendered my heart to Christ, I felt and began to understand as time went on the weighty decision I made. It was as if I was coming against a great darkness that of course would have in no way been possible without the sacrifice of Jesus.

I have been told on two separate occasions:

“You have been indented on the line”. (This came to me from an older women who didn’t know me, but was deeply spiritual. I believe it was a prophetic statement. )

“I have put generations of men under your feet”. (This came to me in my heart as I was cleaning one day.)

It has indeed been overwhelming at times. As noted above, I feel the weight in the spiritual realm of my particular circumstance every day. It has cost me dearly in one sense, as these sorts of things come at a very high price. Living through my current immediate family situation has brought much heartache into my life. There have been intense feelings of loneliness and isolation at times.

My sister has done some research regarding the patriarchal line of our family. A little over a year ago she traveled to visit a distant relative, and was able to see an old family homestead in another state. I assumed she asked a frank question about what sort of men were these…really. What I had been sensing all along was confirmed through this relative. Interesting.

So why has the message been brought to me again? Perhaps I have recently allowed too much distraction to get in the way of the call of Jesus. Perhaps it was meant to be a sobering reminder.

It’s not easy by any means, but I am always so touched at the Lord’s faithfulness. He continually brings us to a place where we are invited to acknowledge all the truth he wishes to reveal, if we are willing to listen. It is the truth that sets us free indeed.

God’s verdict is true and just; there is no shifting or double mindedness where He is concerned. Over the years, the message has been the same. The question is now what will I, or what will we (God and I) choose to do about it?

"Is My love enough for you?"

I think I'm finally getting it. Sometimes the most simple truths take forever to sink in for the precise reason that they are.....simple, not complicated.

I thought I had settled this issue years ago, but over time I keep revisiting it. It can be a big one for any person who desires to follow Jesus as closely as possible.

A few years ago I was living with my best friend for a couple of months during a transition. I had just left a very uncomfortable situation living with an alcoholic roommate, and I as well left a corporate job that was suffocating me. There was a lot of change going on at once. I actually felt I was being directed quite strongly by God to leave this position, so I finally jumped ship. The conviction was that strong. Although I believe God gives us a lot of freedom to make our own choices and that He doesn't micromanage everything we do, this was something He seemed to be putting his finger on quite strongly. I had to follow through.

I actually didn't work for about a month, so I spent this time pondering the future and where I was going. As I also waited for an apartment to open up in the same building as my friend, I had some free time to think about a lot of things. I sat down one afternoon and wrote a journal entry.

Generations come and go.
A man lives his days as if he has an eternity of them in one lifetime.
What if a man gains the whole world but loses his own soul?
The pressure consumes me to be this or do that.

But what of it?
Is not who I am now enough?

"Now as they went on their way, he entered a village; and a women named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet and listened to his teaching. But Martha was distracted with much serving; and then went to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things; one thing is needful. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:38)

Many get trapped into striving for in this lifetime what can easily be taken away, in a moment. There is only one Person that can never be taken from us in this life or the next.

As Paul so eloquently stated:

"For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus or Lord." (Romans: 8: 38)

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit

This morning I was thinking heavily about something about something I really wanted to do, and feel called to do. With it came a sense of feeling overwhelmed at the prospect. The call is always there, but how to do it? This has always been the question. A gentle voice from my heart spoke: "Receive those who are poor in spirit". I smiled,  for the simple words say so much.